Top 10 most annoying drivers

Here's a pointless list column everyone can enjoy: the top 10 most annoying drivers. To prove that I’m a good sport and that we all fall somewhere on this list, I’ll start with myself at No. 10:

10. The ineffective lane changer. I refuse to use my side mirrors because my driving instructor told me they’re useless when I was 16. As a result, I often have to resort to the “turn my body 90 degrees and look over my right shoulder” tactic to see if I can change lanes. When I don’t do that, changing lanes can be tricky, so if you see a guy to your left in a 2003 gray Hyundai looking over his right shoulder, let him over, for your own sake. To be fair, I help this problem by typically staying in one lane unless I’m on the highway. So I try.

9. The slow backer outer/guy parked waiting for you to get out. This, of course, depends on what situation you’re in. When the parking lot is full and you see someone getting in their car, we all complain about how slow they back out while you wait patiently for their spot. When you’re the one walking to your car, however, don’t you get a weird power trip-like joy out of taking your sweet time to put on your seat belt, find your favorite radio station, take a drink of water and then back out while someone’s waiting for your spot?

8. The painfully slow turner. These are the irritating situations that involve drivers turning as if their car would explode if their wheels slanted while the vehicle traveled at a speed of more than 5 mph. Specifically, when you’re on a main road like Mission Boulevard going 40-45 mph in the right lane when the car in front of you slows down to 3 mph to take their right turn, thereby causing you to slow down with him.

7. The really bad parker. The worst is when they park so close you can’t get back in your car. Usually you’ll resort to the demeaning task of going in through the passenger side and crossing over the stick shift to get into the driver’s seat as an embarrassing means to an end. But a month back I actually witnessed the rare “car sandwich” in which both adjacent cars had parked so close that I couldn’t get in through either door. Sadly, I went through the trunk.

6. The incompetent merger. Two types: The Spike Shooter and the turtle from the Comcast Internet commercials. One is really revved up to the point where they sneak ahead of cars well after the two lanes become one, and the other refuses to make any sort of move and holds up the 15 cars behind it in the process. Annoying either way.

5. The ignorer of traffic rules. Stop signs, red lights, speed limits, yield signs and everything else the Department of Transportation decides to put up are generally applied to the rules of the roads for a reason. Please abide by them when ever possible.

4. The “I’m going 60 in the carpool lane and not moving” guy. I’m not an anxious driver by any means, but I get into the fast lane on long trips for a reason (to go fast). Usually, if a car is hogging the carpool lane while going the speed limit, they’ll move over once faster cars come. But there’s always that one guy who witnesses cars constantly going around him so they can speed in front of him, and he’ll be damned if he’s going to get out of his comfy carpool spot.

3. The California Highway Patrol. Well, any cop car, really; they give you fines while breaking more traffic laws than anyone else. (My favorite speed trap ever: Last week I was dropping off someone at Oakland Airport at night while there was crawl-like traffic; no one was going anywhere. Sure enough, I spotted a CHP car parked by the drop-off area with his parking lights on while pointing a radar gun. I’m glad he didn’t nail me for going 6 in a 5 mph zone.)

2. The extremely inappropriate multitasker. You won’t believe the stuff people do while trying to operate a motor vehicle. I’ve seen people drive while eating, text messaging, watching their flip-down TV, changing clothes, applying make-up, drinking a beer (believe it or not) and taking a nap while their dog drives. OK, I made that last one up, but you get the picture.

1. Old people. A professor recently told our class that when she gets behind an elderly driver, she just follows behind them slowly and cooperates with their diminished driving skills. She explained it by saying, “Look, they’re old, they’re dying soon, and all they want to do is make it home by going slow.” Maybe I’ll get to that point some day.

I’ve always been a full believer that a little awareness can solve most problems, and driving woes are no exception. As for dealing with these aforementioned motorists, just take a deep breath and don’t let them drive you crazy.